A prayer for my son

I wrote this letter to God at one of my lowest points last year. Ezekiel has just been diagnosed with Autism and I was in a fog. I was overwhelmed and sad and even though I thought I prepared myself to hear it, nothing can ever soften the blow of hearing your child has autism.

I can admit that I am out of that post-diagnosis fog but it took me a while to get to where I am now. It took a lot of prayers, reading and speaking to other mothers who had been there to help reassure me that everything was going to be okay (not easy, but okay).

I use my iPad to journal and I don’t think I would have gotten through that time if I didn’t have a space to write down my thoughts, feelings and anxieties. Journaling and being intentional with doing it every day as a release helped me move past the worry and thinking about a million and one things at any one time now that I was a parent to a child with autism.

As I was reflecting on my year, I came across this journal entry from July, it would have been about two weeks after Ezekiel's diagnosis and I couldn’t stop crying.

As a Christian, trying to navigate moving past what the world had said about my son and his condition but still having questions for God and not understanding why was a really confusing place to be and I’m glad I came across this post as it’s a perfect reflection of my state of mind back then.

The last thing I wrote in the entry was “All things will come together for good” and I know it will. At the time I didn’t feel like it but I’m grateful I could still stand on his word for support and to lift me up.

For anyone who might be on the way to a diagnosis for their child or recently received a diagnosis, please know you are not alone. I know it might seem like a lot right now, but the most beautiful testimonies come from our deepest struggles. Hang on in there.

Tinuke x